ABC's of Ex-Girlfriends and Wives
By Michael Murphy darkstar@westol.com



A is for Anal, which she became when she realized that you don't have a nesting syndrome. This also covers questions like "Do I look fat.." and anything beginning with, "Why do you always?".

B is for Bitch. Nothing else needs be said.

C is for Cunt. See Bitch.

D is for Douche Bag. Hanging one in your bathroom is the female equivalent of pissing to mark territory. Take it, fill it with Gin and hang it by your TV chair.

E is for Estrogen. It does not mix well with testosterone. It has a tendency to dilute it and then complain when it's done its job. Another paper is being devoted to this particular topic.

F is for Fucking. Forbidden Use of Carnal Knowledge. You can fuck, be fucked, get fucked and fuck up. Something can be fucking great or fucking miserable. Example: She was a great fuck! It was fucking wonderful till I fucked it up by getting fucking married. Boy, was I fucked then. F also stands for foreplay. Get in a 69 position and let her suck on your dick. This gives you an opportunity to examine her vagina and amuse yourself or see if you need an excuse to nibble on her fingers. See Vagina

G is for Gynecologist. Sure he can stick anything up there he wants, but let you pull out the candles, ice cubes and anal beads and all hell breaks loose.

H is for Hell. What she turned your life into and what broke loose when you pulled out the candles, ice cubes and anal beads.

I is for Indigo Girls. These dykes are responsible for women thinking their clitorises are actually dicks and that ovaries are a legitimate substitute for balls.

J is for Jewelry. Sort of like tokens to pass through the tunnel.

K is for Kiss. An intoxicating transfer of pheromones designed to weaken your defenses and cause you to enter into a condition called "Being in Love".

L is for Love. Love is that strange phenomena that causes a man think that one piece of tail is somehow better than all the rest.

M is for Marriage. An institution where everything you ever had, have now and ever will have becomes hers.

N is for Nookie. Sure, it's the preferred choice, but really now, won't just about anything do in a pinch?

O is for Ovaries. Producers of estrogen. The cause of all your grief, but take em away and she grows a finer beard than you.

P is for Period. Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't die!

Q is for Quicky. Women love these especially during halftime shows, while they are putting on their make up, in elevators, while making dinner and changing babies.

R is for Rules. Women somehow seem to think that they make them.

S is for Sex. Remember that? It's what you had before you got married or "involved in a relationship".

T is for Tits. Size doesn't matter. Shape does. Remember, that firm pair of A's with the nipples like pencil erasers are still going to look fine 20 years down the road. Those double DD's are going to be hanging lower that the waistband of her pink, spandex toreador pants.

U is for Underwear. The first appearance of a girdle in the house marks the beginning of a long road downhill.

V is for Vagina. "Nothing can be finer than to be in a vagina in the morning.." Every girl's got one. The criterion for judging the beauty of the female genitalia is rather low. A small, high placed clitoris has less inner labia and thus, isn't as nasty looking and has less area for bacteria and potential yeast infection. The down side is that it doesn't get much stimulation during inter course so she may attempt to use her finger on it. If she has a nail on that finger, chew it off during foreplay. A big clit has lots of extra skin and is fun to pull and make "funny faces" with.

X is X-Rated. None of the girls you normally meet will ever do any of the things you see in these movies. Live with it. However, they are available to rent for about $100 per hour. Before you disregard the option, take this simple test. Add up all the costs of being in a relationship. Put a $$$ amount on it. Cabs, dinner, movies, flowers, gifts, etc. Don't forget to charge for your own valuable time not getting laid or spent listening to stories about her relatives and ever detail about the latest trip to the shoe store. This will produce a "Cost of Relationship" figure. Average out the quality of your sex life and give it a number value from 1 to 10 with 1 being sex with a corpse and 10 being the best fuck of your life. Add a 0 (zero) to the right of the number and a $ to the left. Multiply that by the number of times you got laid. This will give you a "Cost of Sex" figure. Subtract that figure (yes it will be lower) from the "Cost of Relationship" figure. Do the math. This final figure is what you could be using to have the best sex of your life every time, minus of course, the "Cost of Condoms" adjustment, should you decide to add the totals together and invest in a 'Hooker Fund".

Y is for Y, as in "Eat at the Y".

Z is for Zoo. A place where animals, meant to run free, are caged and denied their natural right to eat what they want, shit where they want, go where they want and fuck when and who they want. See Marriage.

Visitors since 2/24/2000