• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• Movie nudity is virtually always female.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• Monday Night Football.
• You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
• Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
• Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
• When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
• Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
• All your orgasms are real.
• A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
• Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
• You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
• You understand why Stripes is funny.
• You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
• Your last name stays put.
• You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
• When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
• You can kill your own food.
• The garage is all yours.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
• Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
• You never have to clean a toilet.
• You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
• Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
• The National College Cheerleading Championship.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
• You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
• If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
• You can write your name in the snow.
• You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
• Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
• Flowers fix everything.
• You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
• You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
• You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
• Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
• You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
• You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
• Foreplay is optional.
• Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
• Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
• You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
• You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
• You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
• You get to jump up and slap stuff.
• Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
• One mood, all the time!
• You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
• You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
• You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
• You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
• Same work = more pay!
• Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
• You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
• Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75
• You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
• With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
• You don't mooch off others' desserts.
• If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
• The remote control is yours and yours alone.
• People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
• ESPN's SportsCenter.
• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
• Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
• You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
• You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
• You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
• If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friend you've changed.
• Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
• You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it."
• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong buddies.
• Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
• You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
• If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
• New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
• Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
• You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
• Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
• Baywatch
• There's always a game on somewhere.

Visitors since 2/24/2000