When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.
In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits
What's the difference between a girlfriend, a whore and a wife? The girlfriend says "Are you through yet?" The whore says "Is it in yet?" And the wife says "Hmm. Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.
A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at The Mall of America. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his Father "What is this Father?". The Father responded "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son "Go get your Mother".
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and
kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again
the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car
will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
FOUR KINDS OF SEX
Subject: Science news...
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer.
They observed that 100% of the subjects:
-- Gained weight
-- Talked excessively without making sense
-- Became emotional
-- Couldn't drive
No further testing is planned.
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of
them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She
gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I
love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
A Long Shot
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says,
"What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting her from here!"
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, I but can only grant one."
The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a few more minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night. They're talking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for her birthday.
"I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring", said the rich man. The poor man, a bit puzzled by this, says "why in the hell did you get her both?" The rich man replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new car and exchange it."
After this, the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her birthday. The poor man responds," I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo." Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items.
The poor man replied, " Because if she don't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself."
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when
his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at
a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't
wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
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