The Real Man Test
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this,
women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives
if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship,
they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is
capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy,
wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is
the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years.
She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with
her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy.
You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly,
out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you,
but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get
married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can
not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on
third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows
the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her
hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed
new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended
for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real
guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming
names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear
(which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more
intimate relationship with it than with her).
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
Heman Woman Haters Club
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