Heman

MEN'S RULES FOR WOMEN
  1. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
  2. Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
  3. He does NOT want to be just friends, only on TV.
  4. If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
  5. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
  6. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
  7. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
  8. Don't drive when you're not driving.
  9. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
  10. Shopping is not fascinating.
  11. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another.
  12. When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
  13. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
  14. Unless the answer is yes.
  15. In which case, can he videotape it?
  16. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
  17. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
  18. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
  19. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Micro waving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
  20. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
  21. He heard you the first time.
  22. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
  23. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer.
  24. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
  25. Dogs good, cats bad.
  26. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
  27. If he has to sit through Legends of the Fall, you have to sit through Showgirls.
  28. "Fine" is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
  29. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
  30. He was not looking at that other girl.
  31. Well, okay... maybe a little.
  32. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. like you never looked at another guy...
  33. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cu#!".
  34. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
  35. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
  36. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
  37. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
  38. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
  39. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
  40. Two words: blow job. Learn it. live it. Love it.
  41. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, looks fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
  42. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
  43. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
  44. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
  45. Don't hog the covers.
  46. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
  47. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
  48. When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'This is our exit' is not strictly necessary.
  49. What do you mean, 'leering?' She's simply obstructing my view.
  50. Sports Center starts at 8:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
  51. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
  52. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
  53. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
  54. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
  55. Silence does not need to be filled.
  56. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
  57. No, you can't have the remote control.
  58. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
  59. Don't make us guess.
  60. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  61. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. live with it.
  62. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
  63. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
  64. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  65. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
  66. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
  67. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
  68. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
  69. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  70. Check your oil.
  71. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends.
  72. Butthead is the smart one.
  73. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
  74. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
  75. Socks never constitute a gift.
  76. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
  77. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
  78. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
  79. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
  80. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
  81. Curley is the bald one.
  82. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
  83. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
  84. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
  85. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
  86. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
 

Heman Woman Haters Club

 
Thanks for visiting!    heman(at)gordonsl.com

Hit Counter Visitors since 2/24/2000